The Right to Arm Bears

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There are currently 6 to 8 species of bear listed as endangered according to 

seethewild.org. Bears are frequently hunted for sport in areas all over the world. A major threat faced by the giants in the Western hemisphere is the destruction of habitat. Deforestation has led to a steady decline in the bear population but it causes more than just habitat loss among them. Bears have been forced to become scavengers with the loss of their habitats, and thus are becoming so desperate to find food that they are willing to go towards and sometimes inside people's houses for food. The creatures have no interest in humans but are shot on sight for following their instincts. Bears are also poached in Asia for their gall bladders and bile to be used in traditional medicine. Polar bears are traditionally hunted for food and bear paws are eaten and seen as trophies in Asia. Bear pelts are used for rugs and bear fur is used for fashion. If a bear walked around wearing human skin, it would be concerning.

The decline in the bear populations around the world seems unstoppable, but there is one solution: to arm bears. Extend the second amendment of the right to bear arms and the right to sustain local militia to include bears under its jurisdiction. The amendment is designed to protect the people of the United States from a tyrannical government, but humans have collectively become the tyrannical government that resides over nature. We have abused our opposable thumbs for far too long. We have used our small minds to prioritize our current gratification over our future and that of the world’s. Arming bears is the first step to stripping us of our title of the supreme species.

In order to act on this proposal, we must begin by moving bears into training facilities from a young age. These facilities would teach them to handle firearms while enabling them to act against their instincts. The firearms would be specially designed to fit a bear’s paw and they would grow knowing only how to hunt with guns, removing their primitive instincts over years of being separated from them. Dogs were able to be domesticated from killing machines that hunted in packs into man’s best friend, so bears can be domesticated from gentle giants into man's worst enemy.

Because the firearm approach is so flawless and will surely work without any problems, there is no need for another procedure, but I have designed one anyways. The bear dojo is a project where bears would learn the art of taijutsu and study weapons such as tonfu, nunchaku, bo staffs, swords, scythes, and other traditional Okinawan weapons. The Okinawans were farmers who lived their lives peacefully in Japan until they were invaded by the samurai. They fought back using their farming tools which were all the listed weapons. In a way, humanity is like the samurai and bears are the Okinawan farmers, and they need weapons. A bear sensei would be trained and he would teach the rest of the bears self defense. If bears are to live, they need support.

Animal rights activist groups will be the first to oppose this proposition, but it is actually in their best interests. By giving bears weapons, we are empowering them physically and mentally. Bear hunting is a regulated recreational activity that humans do for fun, but this project would turn hunting grounds into war zones where bears and humans would partake in trench warfare in a fight over dominance.

Some people say we shouldn’t arm bears, but the arguments are always the same: bears cannot  wield weapons as efficiently as humans. How would a bear hold a sword or gun? Swords and guns are specially designed and shaped to be the most tactical option for humans in combat. Bears need their own specially-fitted weapons to work with. If they’ve become adept with their claws, they can do the same with swords.

Bears would likely develop patterns of fighting in formation, becoming the fifth species to do so behind crows, ants, bees, and humans. This would not give them too much power because the other species that fight in formation have never come close to overthrowing humans. It would be a balance of power and bears and humans would eventually live together in harmony (until bears learned how to drive tanks).